[Andy McDandy]

As you all know, tonight sees the launch of series 94 of The Apprentice, where eighteen dead-eyed mercenary cunts fight it out for the privilege of partnering with a grumpy sod for a bit until they go bust.

As usual I'll be providing the commentaries each week, and cordially invite you all to join in the chat about how shit they all are. Tonight we kick off by sending them to Austria, to sell holidays. Now, let's have a look at the runners and riders:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/profil ... candidates

Predominantly from London and the south east, with a couple of token northerners and Irish expats thrown in to be junked in about week 5.

Their profiles are the usual mix of hard to verify bragging and stretched definitions. A few claim to have won awards with titles so generic there's no way of knowing what's true or not. They all look like Trump kids/spouses and all sound like wankers. As ever, the question remains unasked - if they're so shit-hot, why are they taking weeks out of their schedule to be ritually humiliated jumping through hoops for a business loan?

Early picks for top wankerdom:

Liam "runs a company" producing comfortable but stylish workwear. That's right, he runs a t-shirt printing gig. He's not arrogant though. Just look at how fucking un-arrogant and amazingly humble he is!

Anisa claims to have invented unique pizza flavours such as Chicken Tikka. Someone tell Dominos, and every fucking pizza cabin in the country.

Emma is an utter psychopath, who talks about her great successes in cloud migration and her dreams of being better at branding. Somewhat sexy, but in that "Baroness from GI Joe" way.

Finally Max, who claims "I’m a former top UK tennis player". A check of the rankings shows that he is a former tennis pro, but has never been ranked, and has a career prize pot of $118. That's not a typo. He says he likes to be "firm but fair", so a bullying cunt as well as a lying one.

Update tomorrow on all the action!

[Youngian]

Emma's an office crush for Mark Kerrigan (David Mitchell in Peep Show).

My most creative instincts flow through my excel-sheet colour coding – a true passion of mine.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/profil ... mma-street

Aoibheann should be heading for Dragon's Den

I have designed a unique patented utility belt specifically for hairdressers, makeup artists, and costume designers on the go. In my experience within the beauty and hair industry, I noticed a significant problem: the tools that artists typically wear are often not functional, ergonomic, or aesthetically appealing, nor was there any focus on hygiene. This realisation drove me to create a tool belt that is not only ergonomic, but also enhances the entire creative process.

[Killer Whale]

Emma's an office crush for Mark Kerrigan (David Mitchell in Peep Show).

My most creative instincts flow through my excel-sheet colour coding – a true passion of mine.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/profil ... mma-street

If I had a Euro for every time I've told a junior colleague not to hide data in formatting, I'd probably have enough for a lunch in one of Malcolm's reasonably-priced cafés.

[Bones McCoy]

Emma's an office crush for Mark Kerrigan (David Mitchell in Peep Show).

My most creative instincts flow through my excel-sheet colour coding – a true passion of mine.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/profil ... mma-street

Aoibheann should be heading for Dragon's Den

I have designed a unique patented utility belt specifically for hairdressers, makeup artists, and costume designers on the go. In my experience within the beauty and hair industry, I noticed a significant problem: the tools that artists typically wear are often not functional, ergonomic, or aesthetically appealing, nor was there any focus on hygiene. This realisation drove me to create a tool belt that is not only ergonomic, but also enhances the entire creative process.

The long winter nights must simply fly by, eh Baldrick.

[Andy McDandy]

I can picture my old CDT teacher telling me to write in my project report that I had "identified a weak point in the structure, which necessitated an urgent rethink of the overall design", rather than write "the thing snapped off".

[mattomac]

Did like the name “Keir shave”

Sounds and looks like AI made that up.

[The Weeping Angel]

Ooh a bolshy Northern lass.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/profil ... a-rothwell

Proud northerner, Emma R, has seen her business evolve from a side-hustle in her boyfriend’s garage to a fully-fledged thriving business. Set-up during lockdown, she’s out to show that she’s no mug. Will she be able to brew up success in the boardroom and add some Sugar to her business?

[Andy McDandy]

Okay, here goes.

They went to Austria. They tried to sell tickets to tours (cycling or mountain themed). They sold lots of tickets for less than they paid for them. They made tits of themselves.

Emma Street (Baroness from GI Joe meets Agatha Runcible from Vile Bodies) is a robot in human form. With a stupid furry hat. You see this sort of glaze come over her when she's contradicted, and has to adjust to the new paradigm.

Motivational speaker Frederick and tutor Johnny both seem quite normal and level headed.

"Hair transplant" guru Carlo (Turns out he 'puts people in contact with' actual medical people. He's a receptionist.) is another robot.

Nadia "Bobbie from the Expanse in a green trouser suit" Suliaman looks like she could be fun. Mainly when she looks like she's an inch away from decking Emma (see above).

Emma Rothwell (the feisty northerner TWA spotted) is first out. Sold no tickets, and didn't speak up for herself. She could have defended herself by saying she lost the team nothing, compared to everyone else. Remember - "do nothing" is always a valid option.

Next week, the technology episode/challenge. Fundamentally uncreative people fiddle with AI. What could possibly go wrong?

[Bones McCoy]

At least they've got interchangeable Emmas.