[Andy McDandy]

More John Crace, on the latest goings-on - Starmer trying too hard, Patel being thick, and the Passion of the Cooper:

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/20 ... om-paradox

Lindsay Hoyle makes a show of threatening MPs but never follows through. And the MPs walk all over him. Throw one out and you may get a functioning chamber.

“We have a world-leading scheme,” she said, repeating the words her idiot non-savant junior minister, Tom Pursglove, had used on Monday. World-leading, as in everyone else has decided it’s a catastrophically moronic idea.

But even though the lawyers – Priti Vacant couldn’t conceal her contempt for people who try to apply the law correctly – had managed to get everyone off the plane, the scheme was still a stunning success. The fewer refugees we exported to Rwanda, the more its value was proved.

“Stop talking the country down,” the Convict shouted, waving his arms in irritation. It’s now unpatriotic to say anything negative about the country even if it’s true. Mention England’s 4-0 defeat to Hungary and you’re as good as dead.

Johnson didn’t want to talk about boring things that everyone cared about. Like the cost of living. He wanted only to talk about the things that divide the country. And excite the right wing of his party. Like Brexit. “We got Brexit done,” he insisted. News to everyone. If Brexit is done, why have we yet to see any benefits? Why are we about to break international law and enter a trade war with the EU?

[Boiler]

I think Hoyle just wants to follow Daddy into the Lords, and you don't get there by rocking the boat.

[Bones McCoy]

I think Hoyle just wants to follow Daddy into the Lords, and you don't get there by rocking the boat.

An awful lot of the corrupt practice around this government directly references the lords.
Whether ennoblement of the undeserving, the security compromised and useful one-trick ponies.
To the proportion of Lords involved in frontline Brexit adjacent delivery (nudge nudge).

[Andy McDandy]

I find it faintly amusing how they put such stock in titles. A sort of one-upmanship that nobody with any actual class would have any time for.

[Andy McDandy]

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfr ... t-metaphor

Marina Hyde on Johnson's permanent campaign setting, and lack of substance beyond "owning the libs".

But of course, the point about “annoying all the right people” is that it can only be thought of as a policy platform by the hopelessly jejune – ie the ordinary people who put the populist in question in power, but whom all populists secretly hate. “Annoying all the right people” isn’t a programme for government. It’s just a political aesthetic – like the paranoid style, or a sort of fuck-you moodboard. And it has spread beyond the confines of conventional politics.

Culture wars increasingly feel less about the humans over whose future they were once supposedly fought, and more about the brand positioning of those doing the fighting.

Last week I saw a Tory MP give a candid off-the-record quote about trying to win the next election, with no word as to why. In its current incarnation, his party wins power, then seems to spend 90% of the time politicking over how to next win power.

Such a level of inaction requires a constant supply of enemies. Inevitably, the EU is still one of these foes, despite the oven-ready Brexit. But the Rwanda pseudo-policy has allowed the creation of a new enemy for the government – the “leftwing lawyers” who stop it being world-beating. Plus, every time you mention leftwing lawyers you do a little tacit drive-by on Keir Starmer, too.

So it’s a two-for-one. But is it what you’d call “government”? Much of what is done feels more like theatre or film-making.

[Andy McDandy]

Marina's Midsummer March through Ministerial Mediocrity:

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfr ... is-johnson

And it's a good 'un:

Geppetto’s Boy Spotted Talking About Himself For Nine Hours In Studio 54

Johnson’s friends keep saying things like “He’s in King Kong mode”, which feels like a reality-bending thing to say about a guy who increasingly looks like a court artist’s drawing of the Honey Monster. Or maybe Darth Sidious with a brie addiction.

Carrie Johnson’s spokesperson has gone with a classic non-denial denial: “This is an old story which is as untrue now as it was then.” You’ll have spotted that this enlightens you about as much as a statement like, “There is the same amount of cash in my purse now as there was then.”

His refusal to take responsibility for any of it, ever, has increasingly created a government in his own image – one that ricochets between blame-shifting and clean-up. Of course the strikes are Labour’s fault, even though they’ve been out of power 12 years and counting. Of course lawyers are the reason they don’t have a working immigration policy. Of course there is no reason for taking responsibility for breaking your own laws – of course you couldn’t even be expected to know your own laws. People have spent way too long musing about what “Johnsonism” is when it really is transparently simple: it’s always, always someone else’s fault. And, by extension, someone else’s problem.

[Boiler]

Crace on PMQs today.

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/20 ... out-carrie

There was a lot of pointing from the Tory benches. Until they gradually worked out they were indeed the government – hard to believe sometimes, I know – and that they were in large part responsible for the chaos. At which they fell silent. Johnson burbled on, but only to make a bad situation worse. He claimed to love the railways and be building the Northern Powerhouse Rail. Only no one in the north believes that’s ever going to happen. Still, nice to know the Convict had rediscovered his talent for lying. It’s the one thing at which he excels.

[Andy McDandy]

Marina Hyde on the breakup of Murdoch's marriage. Sensitively done, you know.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfr ... is-johnson

So … what the hell happened? When Rupert and Jerry rushed down the aisle six years ago, aged 84 and 59 respectively, there was widespread suggestion that this fourth wife would see Murdoch out. See him out? Do me a favour. He’ll see out the East Antarctic ice sheet.

Speaking of which: who will be Rupert’s Catherine Howard? My preference would be for someone eye-poppingly au courant like Julia Fox, or a real Bunny Lebowski type who wants to spend his money all over town and participate in adult films with titles like PorkTV and Jurassic Cuck.

If the modern British public yearn for some culture war frisson, they can simply open social media at any time of day that suits their urge, inject it into their eyeballs as required, and move on – rather than having to wait till 8pm to sit down in front of it with their supper on their knees.

And that, I think, is a really good point.

[Andy McDandy]

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/20 ... a-and-dave

As a bonus, John Crace imagines a dinner with Cameron, May, Johnson, and one (un)lucky Tory donor.

[Bones McCoy]

Marina Hyde on the breakup of Murdoch's marriage. Sensitively done, you know.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfr ... is-johnson

So … what the hell happened? When Rupert and Jerry rushed down the aisle six years ago, aged 84 and 59 respectively, there was widespread suggestion that this fourth wife would see Murdoch out. See him out? Do me a favour. He’ll see out the East Antarctic ice sheet.

Speaking of which: who will be Rupert’s Catherine Howard? My preference would be for someone eye-poppingly au courant like Julia Fox, or a real Bunny Lebowski type who wants to spend his money all over town and participate in adult films with titles like PorkTV and Jurassic Cuck.

If the modern British public yearn for some culture war frisson, they can simply open social media at any time of day that suits their urge, inject it into their eyeballs as required, and move on – rather than having to wait till 8pm to sit down in front of it with their supper on their knees.

And that, I think, is a really good point.

If only Mrs Merton were still available to comment.

[Boiler]

Hyde on the Grand Designs Treehouse.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfr ... ls-ukraine

Had the prime minister been allowed to do what he wanted, it would have been good to see the usual political interviewers make way for Kevin McCloud, who would don his hard hat of hardheadedness and observe mildly to the couple: “Well actually, you’ve gone an infinite per cent over your budget, haven’t you, because NONE OF THIS IS YOUR MONEY.”

[Andy McDandy]

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfr ... r-scandals

In which Marina Hyde examines the Chris "Arse" Pincher case with her typical wit.

The last time Pincher resigned for alleged sexual misconduct – of course there was a last time – he was accused of luring a former Olympic rower back to his home before reappearing in a bathrobe, massaging his victim’s neck and untucking his shirt, while whispering: “You’ll go far in the Conservative party.” Just call him Harvey Winetime.

Speaking of going far in the Conservative party, though, it was AFTER that incident that Pincher was elevated to the position of deputy chief whip, with the whips’ office naturally being the place you’re supposed to go with your concerns about sexual misconduct by MPs and so on. It all does rather raise the question: who whips the whips? Unclear. Some sadist down in Battersea, you’d imagine.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to fully plot this on the decency graph until I’ve heard from every other chiselling sexual incontinent who recognises the word victim only as a term that applies to him.

While you’re waiting on that, listen to Welsh secretary Simon Hart, the government’s new shiteater-in-chief, who gets sent out seemingly once a week to do the job of cleaning up after the latest scandal. Simon was on the morning broadcast round today, where he explained of the Pincher horror show: “This is not the first time, and I fear it won’t be the last. This happens in workplaces from time to time …”

To which the only sane reply is: WHAAAAAAAAT?!?! Can you imagine if – in the past three months alone – five senior BBC figures had been accused of serious sexual misconduct?

It's a good'un.

[Boiler]

It's That Woman Again:

Sorry to break it to you, Dominic Raab – but Boris Johnson is NOT your friend

There are highly unstable radioactive isotopes that deteriorate less quickly than a No 10 line. In five days, on Pincher alone, we’ve had the prime minister knowing nothing about it and declaring the matter closed. That didn’t hold; Pincher belatedly lost the whip. We’ve had Thérèse Coffey saying the prime minister wasn’t aware of any misconduct allegations. That didn’t hold. We’ve had children’s minister Will Quince, appropriately exhibiting a childlike trust when explained he’d been given a “categorical assurance” by No 10 that Johnson knew nothing of “any serious specific allegation with regards to Chris Pincher”. By last night, even Johnson’s wife’s camp appeared to be briefing against him, with friends of Carrie claiming she’d actively questioned Pincher’s suitability as a whip as far back as 2017. Then this morning, we’ve had Raab, trying to fit wings to this baby: “I don’t think the prime minister is aware of any substantiated complaints against Chris Pincher, to the extent they would trigger a formal mechanism.” What is this word salad?! And how can it already be off the menu?!

[Samanfur]

I'm waiting to see what John Crace makes of Michael Ellis embarrassing himself again.

[Boiler]

Ah yes, the chief apologist.

[Boiler]

Mr. Crace writes:

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/20 ... ts-the-fan

After a tetchy metaphysical spat with ITV’s Susanna Reid over the meaning of guilt (Dom was adamant that just because you’d been convicted of doing something wrong, it didn’t make you guilty; you were just a bit naughty – or unlucky) Raab hit his nadir with the Today programme. Here, he tried to claim that Lord McDonald had been factually incorrect in his letter, published minutes earlier, which made it clear that The Rwanda Panda had been informed in person about allegations, that had been upheld, against Pincher in 2019 while he had been a junior minister in the Foreign Office. Where incidentally, Dom, as then foreign secretary, had been his boss.

Then, realising no one believed a word he had said, Raab had just mumbled his way through the rest of the interview, while doing his best not to incriminate himself any further. Too little, too late. His credibility was totally shot. He had no answer to why it was he had not made an effort to seek assurances from the prime minister about what he had or had not known. Despite having supposedly spoken to him. It wasn’t the time to point out that no one could rely on Johnson to tell the truth, so why bother?

That was just the start of the day’s embarrassment and existential despair for the Tories. Later that morning, Labour’s Angela Rayner was granted yet another urgent question on standards in public life. It’s getting to be quite the habit. They seem to come round every week or so. It has also become a ritual that the government’s fourth-rate lawyer, Mike Ellis, is sent out to answer on The Convict’s behalf. Normally, the shameless Mikey takes it in good nature, but he also appeared to have had enough. Surprisingly, it turns out, even he has a ridicule threshold.

[Boiler]

Very late in the day, but Mr. Crace is bang up to date.

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/20 ... -last-pmqs

Shortly before the start of the liaison committee, Angus Brendan MacNeil was doing a poll of his fellow committee members of whether Johnson would turn up. Of course he did. It was never in doubt. His pride and vanity would not allow him to stay away. To do so would mean that he accepted the game was up. His denial was total. So what followed was one of the more surreal two hours of everyone’s lives. Almost politics expressed as interpretive dance, with Boris the only person in the entire room seemingly unaware that he was finished.

Back at No 10, a cabinet delegation – including Zahawi, soon to be the shortest serving chancellor in history – gathered to tell The Convict it was over. Only the ever deluded Nadine Dorries still believed in the Thousand Year Reich. Boris meanwhile hid in a fridge. Hoping everyone would just disappear. Hoping for just one more night in Downing Street. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting on a miracle.

[Boiler]

Perhaps cruel to speculate, but... does anyone else think if Johnson gets the boot, he in turn will get the boot from Carrie Antoinette?

[Andy McDandy]

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/20 ... -last-pmqs

John Crace on form as ever.

And re. Carrie, you won't see her for dust.

[Andy McDandy]

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfr ... ation-tory

Marina, you had me at

Downing Street’s Raoul Moat

Wonderful stuff.