[Crabcakes]

This week: a billionaire and his mates dying on a dreadfully made DIY sub makes me proud to be British for some reason.

Truly, truly bollocks.

[Malcolm Armsteen]

[Bones McCoy]

If you enter Johnson and Submersible into a search engine, the next word you'll find in your match will be Bilge.

FACT!!!

[Andy McDandy]

25 years ago, the Onion ran as part of its historical headlines, "World's Largest Metaphor Sinks".

Otherwise, an absolutely shit article.

[Bones McCoy]

25 years ago, the Onion ran as part of its historical headlines, "World's Largest Metaphor Sinks".

Otherwise, an absolutely shit article.

Shit article by shit human.

Imagine the sort of person who'd invoke a tragedy to push their failed political agenda.

(Come to think of it, I can think of several, all appointed by Johnson)

[Youngian]

Even Clarkson petrol heads wouldn’t see this disgusting escapade as a buccaneering jolly jape. Mail readers must start suspecting there’s something off about Johnson.

[Spoonman]

The funny thing about the Titan implosion is that Donald Trump Jr. has come out stating that he thinks that there is a "cover up" regarding the whole thing (conspiracy theory? never!) while I also seen a 'murican politician spew out that the incident happened because of "wokeness".

It's as if right-wing grifters are using a dartboard to decide what to blame things on, and stick with it.

[davidjay]

Given that his chances of returning to power are significantly less than when the contact would have been signed and the BTLs are largely negative, I wonder how long Dacre will continue with this particular vanity project?

[satnav]

The whole article just smacks of desperation on the part of Johnson who can't think of anything relevant to write about so he is scrabbling around for a story that he can put a slightly different spin on. I suppose in the next couple of weeks we will see Johnson claiming credit for the rebellion in Russia.

[RandomElement]

I input this into ChatGPT "Write a newspaper column arguing against climate change in the style of Boris Johnson"
and it shat out this.

Today, I feel compelled to address a topic that has captured the attention of many, a subject that has become a rallying cry for some but remains shrouded in uncertainty for others. Yes, my dear friends, I refer to the much-discussed and often contentious issue of climate change.

Now, before you jump to conclusions, allow me to clarify my stance. I am not one to dismiss the importance of environmental stewardship or the need for responsible resource management. No, far from it. As a lover of nature, I appreciate the majesty of our planet and the delicate balance that sustains life.

However, what I find troubling is the alarmist rhetoric and doomsday prophecies that permeate the climate change discourse. The hyperbolic claims of imminent catastrophe often overshadow the nuanced complexities of the issue at hand.

Let us take a step back and examine the facts objectively. Climate change, as a natural phenomenon, has been occurring for eons. The Earth's climate has undergone countless fluctuations throughout history, long before human beings set foot on this fertile land. Volcanic eruptions, solar activity, and natural cycles have all played a significant role in shaping our climate.

Now, do human activities contribute to climate change? Certainly, it would be foolish to deny our impact. However, the extent of our influence and the specific consequences remain subjects of scientific debate and scrutiny. The climate is an intricate system, influenced by a multitude of factors, and our understanding is far from complete.

It is crucial, my dear readers, that we approach this topic with rationality and prudence. Knee-jerk reactions and draconian measures based on incomplete information could have unintended consequences, stifling innovation and hindering economic progress. We must strike a delicate balance between safeguarding our environment and fostering the prosperity that our society depends upon.

In our pursuit of climate solutions, we mustn't disregard the incredible advancements in technology and human ingenuity that have propelled us forward. Innovation, not fear, will be the driving force behind meaningful change. Let us encourage research and development, incentivize clean energy initiatives, and foster a market-driven approach that empowers individuals and businesses to make sustainable choices.

Furthermore, we mustn't ignore the tremendous progress we have already made in reducing emissions and mitigating environmental impact. The United Kingdom, for instance, has demonstrated commendable commitment in transitioning to renewable energy sources, driving down carbon emissions while ensuring energy security. We are leading by example, setting a standard for the world to follow.

My dear friends, let us not succumb to the gloom and despair that often overshadow discussions of climate change. Instead, let us embrace the power of human resilience and determination. By focusing on realistic goals, fostering innovation, and preserving the economic well-being of our nation, we can strike a balance that benefits both our environment and our society.

I implore you to approach the climate change debate with a measured perspective, free from ideological bias or emotional manipulation. Together, we can chart a course towards a sustainable future, driven by sound science, pragmatic policies, and the spirit of optimism.

There, that's next Friday's work done for him. Where do I collect my fee?

[Youngian]

A polished interpretation of Johnson’s prose but the lack of any substance is spot on.

[RandomElement]

A polished interpretation of Johnson’s prose but the lack of any substance is spot on.

I won't post it here, but I also asked to create a Daily Express weather story, it was quite well done.

[Andy McDandy]

Something increasingly apparent about his style is that it's speechmaking 101. It's like he's heard all the terms and is ticking them off. Bit of litotes, touch of alliteration, bit of bathos, job done.

And that ChatGPT article is scarily accurate. Kudos.

[Youngian]

If Bozo’s columns don’t increase sales what use is he?

[Watchman]

My take, so far;
1 The Mail signed him up to keep his name in lights
2 He promised Darce he’d be spilling the dirt, but in typical de Piffle fashion that may not be as good as it looks
3 The Mail will indulge him in the hope that when it finally comes to a GE, he can go full Trump

[Bones McCoy]

My take, so far;
1 The Mail signed him up to keep his name in lights
2 He promised Darce he’d be spilling the dirt, but in typical de Piffle fashion that may not be as good as it looks
3 The Mail will indulge him in the hope that when it finally comes to a GE, he can go full Trump

Or (going a bit conspiratorial), like the wallpaper, the holidays and the other luxuries..
Somebody else is putting up the funding, because Johnson's their useful idiot.

If this is the case,we'll be able to guess better when the articles start praising oil, coal, fracking, or whatever commercial interest his sponsor desires.

[satnav]

Trying to kill half an hour in the cafe at Waitrose this afternoon I sullied myself by picking up a copy of the Mail on Sunday. It's a while since I've seen a copy and can't believe how deranged it has become. Apparently the Bank of England has become too woke and shock horror many of its top officials live in million pounds houses. There are Chinese spy cameras outside MI5. Bernard Jenkin is a coward because he refuses to answer the papers ridiculous questions about Partygate, St.Paul's has labelled Churchill a White supremacist and there is a cartoon an a longwinded article about the story about the child who identifies as a cat. The only voice of reason in the paper at the moment appears to be Dan Hodges.

So may be Johnson is now a perfect fit for a joke of a paper.

[Yug]

Hold on. Dan Hodges... The voice of reason?

Fark me!

[Youngian]

Trying to kill half an hour in the cafe at Waitrose this afternoon I sullied myself by picking up a copy of the Mail on Sunday. It's a while since I've seen a copy and can't believe how deranged it has become. Apparently the Bank of England has become too woke and shock horror many of its top officials live in million pounds houses. There are Chinese spy cameras outside MI5. Bernard Jenkin is a coward because he refuses to answer the papers ridiculous questions about Partygate, St.Paul's has labelled Churchill a White supremacist and there is a cartoon an a longwinded article about the story about the child who identifies as a cat. The only voice of reason in the paper at the moment appears to be Dan Hodges.

So may be Johnson is now a perfect fit for a joke of a paper.

It was once a very good product, not thunderously political or showbiz obsessed and Chinese walls with some excellent reporting especially its business and consumer sections. Shame that.

[satnav]

I forgot to mention the other full page article entitled 'You can't blame everything on climate change'.